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Intensive course to hate gringos

By Oscar Lucien | El Nacional

18.04.05 | Yesterday I really got blasted celebrating my graduation as a hate lancer. I graduated from the “Gringo go home” cooperative of the “Mision knee on the ground”. We received an intensive course to hate gringos within the strategy of asymmetric war mandated by the commander in chief, maximum leader of the process, to confront and liquidate the marines that “dobleve” Bush is planning to send to destroy the pretty revolution. .

Classes are simple, but one leaves hoarse from shouting so much. Shouting, says the captain-instructor, is the best way to express hate, our first weapon against the invading gringos. Even though this squalid newspaper does not give me much space, I will summarize some of the training sessions to stimulate other fellow countrymen that want to become hate lancers or become part of the asymmetric Bolivarian militias and can continue training, endogenously, on their own.

1. The course begins with readings on the Liberators’ wisdom. The captain says that the Liberator was so lucid that he even imagined Bush’s invasion. We fill a notebook with the phrase “The US seems destined by providence to fill Latin America with hunger and misery in the name of freedom” and then we stand up in front of a microphone for a few minutes, babbling the largest amount of hate possible

2. Endogenous use of bubble gum. With some coupons that they give to us, we buy bags in the cooperative filled with plenty of "Bazuka" gum at Mercal and we start chewing to make huge balls of gum. We go out in a tour of lancers and we take strategic positions, for example, in Valle Arriba, in the square in front of the US Embassy, or at the exit of the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Saints. We ride the bus with the previously identified gringos and when they are going to sit down we place the ball on the seat. In this action, which is apparently contradictory because it expresses hate, we truly have a ball.

3. Practicing giving Condoleezza what she deserves. Some countrymen that are regenerating themselves in jail, make real size dolls of that negrita that Chavez sent to Mision Robinson. In groups of two, we put lancers in a dark room and we give the doll what she deserves until it is destroyed. Female lancers get a picture of Condoleezza. They stare at the picture and shout a number of times: “Alert! Alert! Bolivar’s sword is walking around Latin America” and they spit at the picture. Later they clean up the picture and save it because they have to use it in more than one session.

4. Firing practice with Bush. Since the Kalasnikov’s that the maximum leader bought from his soul brother Putin have not arrived, we train with shotguns borrowed by our fellow countrymen at the Yare jail. They place a picture of the invading leader smiling, to get rid of the hate we have been accumulating. The lancers shoot the picture, but Bush’s smile is made out of a special shielded material and we get even more pissed. When we empty out the ammo, although we also end up quite empty of energy, we have to shout twenty times: “Bush! you shall not pass”

5. Exam with the academic committee. The academic committee of our cooperative is a civic-military one. That is, it is composed of the captain-instructor, two lieutenants, four sergeants and the civilian that drives the Toyota for the captain and gets the coffees. Every day they do a multiple choice test, but both male and female lancers are obligated to pick answer C. I don’t recall all the questions, but some of them were like this: 1) You are swimming at a beach and a gringo next to you starts drowning and calling for help. You have to: a) Call the lifesaver b) Help him out with a rope c) Shout at him “Dumb gringo why do you swim so deep if you can’t swim. Then you walk along the shore and drink a beer. 2) You are piloting a plane (imagine Chavez’ plane) and are carrying a Frenchman from Total, a Spaniard from Repsol and a gringo from Chevron. There is a malfunction and there are only two parachutes to be distributed among the passengers. Following the instructions of the endogenous Bolivarian aeronautics a) give a parachute to the Frenchman and another to the Spaniard b) You give one to the Spaniard and the other to the Frenchman c) You give the gringo an icon of a saint.

Another thing we are taught is that gringos are stupid. That is easy to cheat on them and that we should not allow them to cheat us, because lancer that allows himself to be cheated by a gringo, will never be a good cheater himself.

Mixing endogenous tactics and strategy what is important is to surprise them. That is why, when one lancer crosses a gringo on the street you have to say with a smile “Ay guan tu bi yor frien” and when he replies “Mitu” the lancer hits his right fist against his left palm and shouts at him: “Uh, ah Chavez no se va” (Uh, ah , Chavez is not leaving)

The only little problem with the course was when they invited gringa Eva Golinger to promote her book Chavez’ code. Many lancers were confused about why she was there and like a bunch of crazy wolves, wanted to give her what she deserved in the middle of the class. Obviously the anti-gringo course has had an effect. Despite hitting them repeatedly with the butt of the rifles they could not stop that sparkling mass of hate until the captain showed up, raised his briefcase and said they were going to make the payment of the one hundred dollars that was due to all. The calm was heavenly. While they distributed the dole, he clarified that there are gringos that on top of that, are good people.

Translated by Miguel Octavio.

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